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Let me just start off by saying that I haven't seen the new 2015 movie version of "Fantastic Four" yet. Do I plan to? Well yes...eventually. Let's just say that I'm not really in a hurry to watch it, after hearing so many horrendous things about it. It does make me curious but not as curious as I was about watching the infamous 1994 movie version of it, made by the Corman studios.

And oh boy, does that 1994 movie stink. It's not even bad in a charming or fun kind of way, it's just simply a plain bad movie, that does absolutely nothing right. It inspired me to do a list of 'things I'm sure the new Fantastic Four movie does better than the 1994 one'. It would be fun to eventually revisite the list after I have seen the new 2015 movie but first, let's have some fun with this list for now.

The costumes

This is an easy one. I mean, just look at it! The characters don't only look like they have walked out of a cartoon, they look like they have walked out of a very poorly done and cheap cartoon. Too colorful, too impractical, too...well, just too awful! And that big four on their chest is to avoid confusion with the Thunderbirds I suppose?


The characters

The movie manages to make the even most awesome of characters seem like dull and uninteresting ones. Here we have a movie featuring an invisible woman, a guy with elastic limbs, another guy who produces fire from his body and can fly and a...well, rock like 'thing'. Yet even all these awesome superpowers don't ever make the characters likable ones that you feel you can cheer or truly ever care for throughout the movie.


Von Doom

Now, don't get me wrong, the villain Von Doom (with a name like that, you really weren't born to be the hero) probably still was the best thing about the entire movie but he definitely was not without his problems. First of all, his character motivation was rather weak and pretty much nonexistent, which brings me to the second and main problem; he was just too darn cartoony. All he basically does is laugh maniacally, spit out orders and sit on top of his throne, inside of his own Castle Grayskull. Now, this all would have fine, as long as it would have been in harmony with the rest of the movie as well. However the only things truly cartoony about this movie are its villains. The story and main heroes themselves hardly are fun enough.


The special effects

Another easy one. I guess you shouldn't expect any groundbreaking effects from a movie that had cost only 1,5 million dollar to make but that of course doesn't take away anything from the fact that all of the effects are terrible to look at. The entire movie already feels like a cheap and almost amateur like one but the special effects only add to this. From the smallest explosions, to the more 'elobarete' laser, fire, stretch and flying effects, everything looks and feels like it comes straight out of a bad '60's science-fiction TV show. Sounds like it may actually be something that has its charm and maybe it also really does but again, that doesn't change anything about the fact that all effects within the movie are terrible and cheap looking.


The sets and props

This one goes hand in hand with the terrible special effects aspect of the movie. The sets contribute as well to the very cheap and amateur like feeling of the movie and again, everything looks as if it comes straight out of bad '60's science-fiction show. From the space ship to the labs and even the exterior sets, everything seems to have been poorly put together, in a hurry and without much thought and planning. Again, it very much reminded me of a Thunderbirds set, in which everything looks very fabricated and as if you could break and bend everything in sight, without needing any superhero powers.


The music

While the music really isn't bad, it also very blatantly is a John Williams knockoff. A Star Wars knockoff to be more precise, with a few hints of Jaws in it as well. It's odd to hear how the movie 'borrows' entire themes and motives from John Williams' Star Wars score throughout this movie. Again, it's nothing too bad from the Wurst brothers (yes really, their last name is Wurst) but you should always support originality and creativity, rather than laziness and 'stealing'.


The story

This is somewhat of a tricky one, since a lot of modern, big budget, movies tend to feature extremely poor and nonsocial stories in them but yes, I still dare to say that the new Fantastic Four movie is going to feature a better story in it that this one has. I have just finished watching the movie but please don't ask me what it all was supposed to be about, since I truly have literally no idea. Not much ever makes sense, the character and story development is poor and it just feels all over the place with everything. What does Von Doom want to achieve? How do our heroes feel about their sudden superpowers? And who are all those other strange creature that wonder off and on the screen at times? Questions that don't get answered by watching this movie. It's just too messy, not really much fun and never anything truly surprising or innovative.

About Frank Veenstra

Watches movies...writes about them...and that's it for now.
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